Desires
by ShadowPassinThru
Summary: Fred never asked to be a good girl. Wanting revenge on the Professor makes her see that she still has her desires to be bad. She reflets on all the times they've had and what Wesley meant(Major Wes/Fred)


Title: Desires (1/1)  
Author: Kayla (DarkAngelGirl)  
Summary: All her life she was brainy, quiet and a good girl. Nobody asked her if that was what she wanted. Fred's reflections and thoughts.  
Disclaimer: I don't own, if I did Wesley and Fred would have seen the light a lot quicker.  
Distribution: Most Wes/Fred sites have my fic up. The ones that do have permission. If you'd like to host my fic email me at KAYKEL1207@msn.com   
Dedicated: I dedicate this to all Wes/Fred shippers because we nearly lost hope but came bouncing right back. Evil Wes/Fred all the way! By the way, after this ep I think I'll try to find time to put Hanging on Every Word back.  
  
I have a lot of desires I never chose to act on. After making many choices to hold them back, I was forced to be that kind of girl. Shy, brainy, quiet little Fred... why should she want to grow up? Does she have a reason to want love, passion, violence or even vengeance on those who've wronged her. I keep a lot of feelings inside but when I found out someone put me in that Hell dimension, it was more than I could stand. No one deserves to live after doing that. Oh, Charles saw my desire for that man's blood and tried to stop me. His "girl" can't have the power... not sweet little Fred. I showered him with false thanks and weakness after he killed the professor. It stunned me a little but I realized he doesn't love me, he just did it to keep me his.  
  
I went to Wesley and that was a good choice. The first good one I've made in ages.... I knew he'd understand where none of them could. He saw the look in my eyes, I think I even scared him a bit. Yet, he has it too. He was wronged in life just like me.... I was one of those who wronged him. He can help me get all I ever dreamed of. The same evil I feel inside Wesley.  
  
For now, I must play Charles Gunn. I wish I didn't have to but they must not see the changes yet. I was weak to fall for him and I will go to Wesley again, secretly. Charles will believe I'm still his little girl.   
  
When they all appeared in Pylea and saved me... I watched them all. I had an immediate attraction to Angel because he saved my life, I had learned all my life that you owe people who do that. I also watched Wesley. I know he led those human slaves into battle, that was admirable. I liked it a lot and I thought following him, I could be free of the position I always had.  
  
Then Angel left for his personal reasons and I backed away. I messed up my new image by being scared. Weakness made me hang onto Angel thinking he was strong. I was wrong.  
  
The more time I spent with Wesley, the more I analyzed him. He was a complex person. He had a strong and silent side, I could tell that he kept in a lot of his feelings just like me. He put so much information in his brain too... filling it to keep out the needs. Every time I looked into his eyes I saw his conflicted life and past. I, despite my temporary insanity was comforted.  
  
Then next time he made me feel was in Caritas, the night Charles' friends attacked. I was easing back into the world, trying to be a little more daring. I remembered all the things I wanted and fought my parents about before Pylea. I was scared for my life, scared of losing the chances to change. I learned Wesley has a loving side too. He would have died for me, I know that from the way he held me. I hung on to him weakly, I was so pathetic... I should have took more charge. I didn't do that stupid trick on those men just to trick them, I wanted to show Wesley how strong I was, but I was still not functioning right mentally, and it looked like insanity. I felt real love for him then, the love my parents kept me from.  
  
Then they showed up, my parents. I didn't want them to see that I had become even weaker. I'd wanted to see them, but not until I was strong enough to make them see. The strong grip they'd had on me before Pylea would tighten. It ended up all right except I almost gave in and went back to my old life with them. I'm so glad I figured out the gang's demon problem and rushed back. They were very proud of me, everyone was. I loved that Wesley was happy to see me.  
  
Only a little while later came the terrifying events when Wesley was possessed by demon blood. I have to say that at first I was scared for my life. I was so glad that Wesley had asked me to help investigate, I figured maybe he'd get to know me a bit better. When he asked me what I thought I knew he respected my intelligence, he didn't use it as a reason to shelter me. All the complex thoughts in my head left immediately when his voice changed.   
  
"Lie to me again and we are going to have a problem."  
  
He chased me around the hotel going on and on about how evil women were. He kept talking about how I tempted him. I, for an instant, wondered if the blood that possessed him to try and hurt me, did it also spill out his feelings. In other words, I was scared but also madly in love.  
  
I hid instinctively because I was chased. I hid under one of the many unused beds in the old hotel. Viciously he pulled me up, saying words that made my head spin. Then he kissed me, God knows what he intended to do but for a moment I was lost. I let him for a fraction of a second, just cause I liked it so much. Then senses kicked back in and I stabbed him with a piece of the broken metal. I decided I was not prey. The look on his face, a while later when the fire extinguisher came slamming into his head.   
  
Wesley was a wreck after he came out of it. I tried to talk to him so many times and then I went to his place. He didn't want to talk, obviously he was blaming himself.  
  
"It wasn't something in you, it was something done to you."  
  
I was very comforting but he didn't buy the act. Of course I was scared but who wouldn't be? I was also thrilled knowing that it was sort of something inside of him. He was evil in a small way.   
  
Wesley came back to us finally. He was changed though, a little more insecure. He was scared he'd hurt me again. Didn't he get it? He couldn't hurt me.  
  
The arrival of Darla and the fact that Angel was going to be a father of something.... well that cleared my mind of all other thoughts. When little Connor was born I got to have fun for a while without thinking of other things.  
  
It all was going all right until that cursed ballet. Oh, I hate myself for those mistakes.... I hinted to Cordelia that I loved someone just to see how she'd react.   
  
Then that stupid fight. I do like Charles and he's always been a friend but whatever emotion that possessed me to kiss him. Maybe it was fear, I was so afraid that he was dead and I had no plans to fall in love. I don't even know that I was in love.  
  
Then it became me and Charles, the couple. I was delighted to have a boyfriend because I've never had one in my life before him. He treated me so wonderfully.  
  
Then Wesley went silent from me and Charles told me that Wesley had feelings for me. I realized that my current relationship was stupid and that I missed my chance with Wes. It distressed me and I was going to do something about it when we stopped seeing him. He had been in secret working on a prophecy that said Angel was going to kill Connor. He didn't tell us, he chose to tell the enemy instead. It was foolish but, he knows and he paid for it. He was betrayed by his allies, our enemies....  
  
Angel blamed Wesley when Connor was taken by Holtz. He was mad when he tried to murder him and I thought one day it could be fixed. I guess I was very wrong. I wanted Wesley to help us again. I wanted him to be with me now. I tried to convince Angel and everyone else over and over but no. When I got infested by one of those slug creatures that came out of the portal that was made in the hotel Charles finally went to Wesley. I think after that he never wanted to go to Wesley again because in his mind he knows that he'd lose me to his old friend. He's right but even when Angel and Cordelia disappeared, he wouldn't go for help.  
  
Wesley came through in the end in saving Angel. He's so smart. When he said he was leaving and wouldn't help further it broke my heart. I thought he was back to finally be with me but no, he wasn't.   
  
"You really don't care anymore."  
  
That remark I made sort of came out the wrong way. I meant that he didn't care about us anymore.... but it sounded crueler, like a really terrible offense. It wasn't but I felt like he didn't care enough to help me be me...  
  
Finally, I got some sound hope that Wesley was like me still. After I found out that I was sentenced to live in Pylea by that Professor... Angel and Charles cared for me but it was like 'don't worry Fred we have it handled.' The man wanted me dead. I can handle that kind of thing on my own thanks.  
  
I fled to Wesley. I knew he'd never deny what I needed. The look of shock on his face when he saw me in his doorway was heaven. I was full of rage and I knew to kill the Professor was to lose myself but I had a hope. He agreed to help. He stated the same things Charles said to me but in a way that he let me know he understood what I had to do.... I knew he still loved me, he'd been watching me... knowing everything I did.  
  
"but you know what the answer would be."  
  
I let a little bit of my "vengeful bad girl" attitude show in the car. He'd just saved me from another portal. This portal thing was making me severely angered. I left in a hurry knowing I'd have a place after the old Fred died.  
  
Then Charles did it. He killed the man to save me... he was a killer too and he loved me enough to save me from it. Too bad I didn't love him, this just made me want to lose him faster. Wesley was gonna let me be a killer if I wanted but my "boyfriend" had to protect me.  
  
Right this moment, it's pouring rain and I am standing near a familiar apartment . I walk up the steps and to his door. He opens it. "Fred? What are you doing here what happened to you?"  
  
I let a little more of the bad attitude slip into my voice as I say: "Wesley... oh Wesley, there is so much you and I need to talk about. So much I've missed."  
  
"Fred..." he sighs "It's not a good..."  
  
"Right," I reply cutting him off "It's a bad idea... a very bad one. Who cares?" 


End file.
